The Apple Orchard: random thoughts...

The Apple Orchard

musings, chronicles, commentaries, bitchins & ramblins of a lost, but lovin 40 somethin year old soul...come take a bite

Saturday, February 04, 2006

random thoughts...

Haven't gotten much sleep... got home around 1ish in the morning from the emergency room. My dad collapsed-he'll be okay for now he's in the hospital for observation…

I am trying to heal a migraine...nothing is working...anyone have a hammer so I can pound my head in?

let's see what happens.

...and so it continues with one step forward and two steps back; then two steps forward and one step back and hoping with all hopes that the tortoise wins the race because that is the way it is supposed to happen. But reality is not always like the fables, the fairytales that win our hearts as young children so confusion sets in and at times immobilizes the thoughts, the growth...paralysis...no movement forward...no movement back.

...and so you push the universe a bit and even when you know that you cannot push the universe just as you cannot push an elephant to move when it doesn't want to go anywhere, you still push. You bang your head on the wall just because it feels so much better when you stop...and then you do stop...and you cry because you realize you have done it all wrong. That you have been trying so hard to move forward that you haven't actually taken the time to heal the old stuff that you really thought you had gotten over. That you had simply busy-ed yourself to fill in the gaps. Fluffing, folding, caring, cooking, working, nurturing, shopping. Stop. Repeat. Start over...and do it again week after week until it becomes a habit. A ritual. Safety in the routine...and then something happens that takes you by surprise and opens a scab or wound that has not been fully healed and you know that nothing has really healed. Nothing at all and you are as vulnerable as you ever were. A little child in a grown up body...scared...frightened...lost...and hurting.

...and so you go searching for some kind of salve to put on the wound because actually dealing with it yourself is just to hard and you feel like you just can't do it anymore knowing full well that you will have to.

Sooner or later. Lessons repeat until learned...and then you wonder if it wouldn't be simply easier not to heal. Go back to fluffing, folding, cooking, shopping, working, cleaning, busy-ing. Stop. Repeat. Over and over and over again until the pattern is a ritual and indeed, you have no life but the one you present to the outside world.

...but that life is torture unto itself because it isn't real. Not really. Denial. So you do go forward into the world of exploration of your mind, your pain, and your suffering. One step forward. Two steps back. Two steps forward and one step back...and you begin to love the pain because it has helped you grow.

At least a little bit…and you recognize the anger because indeed, it is there too. Ugly as it may be. It is also a part of the healing. It IS okay to be angry. Recognize it. Love it and thank it for helping to block some of the pain even when it isn't as pretty as you would like it to be...and then let it go. Let it go because it is not serving you other than to block the sadness. The sadness that is part of the healing. It is time to acknowledge the healing. To tend to the wounds that are open and vulnerable. Perhaps not pretty but there. A part of me that needs to be tended to. Moving forward then moving back. Getting to know myself again. Taking the time this time to love me. The good. The bad...and the ugly...it's all about taking the time.

posted by MsApples @ 3:34:00 PM

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