The Apple Orchard: it's in the air

The Apple Orchard

musings, chronicles, commentaries, bitchins & ramblins of a lost, but lovin 40 somethin year old soul...come take a bite

Sunday, July 02, 2006

it's in the air

I slow down, here, for this moment because I am listening. Because I am listening, I close my eyes. I hear... fans...buzzing lightbulbs...I hear my thoughts as they clatter about in my mind. They possess a hushed roar that is their own--it is separate, and solitary. I feel the calm settle over my face, it smooths my skin and relaxes the pinched tautness of my brow. I allow myself a small smile because I know it's superficial. It truly is only skin deep. It is a true laying on of mask but even this is okay.

I wander and wonder beyond and outside the "rules".
I listen and I watch and I wait. I do this, because this is what I do.
This is what I have always done.
I listen. I watch. I wait.
In this space and this moment, I answer to nobody. There is no need.
They see through my eyes. They feel through my touch.
I wait because They wait.
I don't know who They are... this is just the thought that randomly enters my mind & then leaves...

My hair is loose, long & soft against my cheeks. It's warm & smells clean, fresh.

I hear a buzzing in my ears. & still the fan.

My posture sucks, & I tell myself, "sit taller, staighter." I breathe more deeply... within seconds I'm slouching again.. I'm sitting cross-legged in my makeshift office chair and my thighs are complaining a bit. I adjust, push into the stretch, it hurts. But when I release, my thighs sigh & don't complain.

I sit and I breathe, and I rest--just for this moment.

Then I open my eyes. I feel my stomach flip, clench & fight against a wave of nausea. I feel the anxiety flood through my system... my heart races, skips a beat. My chest hurts. My back hurts, there is a headache revving up somewhere deep inside my head. I am light-headed & I forget to breathe. My eyes ache. My body is beyond aching, having entered some realm beyond even that.

I count minutes, I count breaths. I count as I sing, numbers move about in complex equations through my head... I run budgets, checkbook balances, monthly estimated incomes & expenses. Numbers flood my mind--random mathematics, making order of chaos... I count & I count. I tick away seconds until I can disappear again. Or I tick away seconds until the time when I can allow myself to fall again, to go quiet again... to rest again.

I can smell the rain...

posted by MsApples @ 7:37:00 AM

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