The Apple Orchard: unbeautiful

The Apple Orchard

musings, chronicles, commentaries, bitchins & ramblins of a lost, but lovin 40 somethin year old soul...come take a bite

Monday, June 05, 2006

unbeautiful

I have worked hard to come to this place. The place where I can choose to reach into my darkness and embrace it, instead of hide it away. Sometimes I do not like to stay there long

because what I find frightens me terribly...my dark beauty.

Yesterday, I stayed long and took pictures. I do not usually like to talk about my journey, what brought me here. Many of my closest friends do not know the details of my life, but they know me...the being...that I do not hide. I love sharing myself, just not the trappings. Often I find it is hard for others [or myself for that matter] to remain present and not get wrapped up in the drama [judgment].

Perhaps, I am feeling brave today. I feel it might be a good time to share some of my trappings. I feel supported and know I will be heard. Even if it is just by me. Some of the times I have felt unbeautiful:

-when i was 7 years old my sister's and parents would make fun of my nose and hair...they said I was adopted, that I wasn't part of the family--they said I had a nigga nose and that my hair would never be pretty like theirs...

-when my dad accused/hit me/yelled at me for letting my sister runaway from home at the age of 18 to be with her boyfriend -- I locked the door behind her, I was only 13.

-when I was dating Pierre and he attempted to have sex with me when I didn't want to--he put all his weight on me and reached down between my legs and hurt me. I pulled away and ran out of the house, crying uncontrollably--to this day, I don't remember driving home.

Generally, I've felt unbeautiful when I have believed someone else's truth over my own. It is a good lesson. For I have also found I feel beautiful when I accept my own truth, knowing it will change and I will accept it anew. Right now, I AM BEAUTIFUL.

Besos, mi gente.

posted by MsApples @ 11:07:00 PM

1 Comments:

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous said…

you're one of the most beautiful women i know...