| Sunday, March 12, 2006 |
| Now Accepting Applications |
 Position Available: Friend with benefits. Room for job growth.
Experience Required: Must have had minimum of 2 sexual partners in their past. This is not a position with on-the-job training.
Minimum Age Requirement: Must be at least 21 years old.
Looking for some, if not all, of the following:
* Minimum college-level literacy
* Must be minimum of 3" taller than potential employer. 6' or taller is preferred but not an absolute.
* Must recognize and appreciate sarcasm. Must be able to take a minimum of what they dish out.
* Must love movies. Must enjoy going to see them in the theater, watching them on DVD and suffering through them on cable just to determine what has been edited out.
* Must provide their own transportation. Potential employer has no interest in being anyone's chauffeur.
* Needs to be well-kept, but not fall within the "metrosexual" label.
* Must understand what "Leave me the fuck alone!" means.
* Will not scoff when told that potential employer enjoys listening to Kelly Clarkson.
* Must be an embodiment of the term "adventurous."
* Must be a better listener than a talker.
* Must be a believer in cuddling, nuzzling and snuggling.
* Must be the type that likes to sit at the very back of a movie theater in the "love seat" row of seats.
* Must understand that being called a "mongohead," "nerdo," or "fucker," is a term of endearment in the potential employer's mind.
* Does not have any dependency issues.
* Must keep the ingestion of alcohol to a minimum. Must recognize one's own limit and not drink themself into oblivion.
* Must be annoyed by the following people: Dubya, Condi, Bill O'Riley, Tom Cruise, Joe Simpson and his two puppets, idiots who use "netspeak" all the damn time, Tara Reid, Jessica & Ashley Simpson, Dr. Fucking Phil and that home wrecking whore Angelina.
The following are not required, but very desirable:
* Tattoos and/or piercings
* Bald, strong arms, strong hands
* Plays a musical instrument
* Artistic nature
* Owns every movie made by Tarantino
* Regularly quotes favorite movies/books/songs/tv shows
* Interesting scars
* Slightly wounded, "needs fixing," nature
Job Description:
Employee will be at the employer's sexual beck and call, but will be able to fulfill the intellectual needs as well. Will be carrying on conversations about pop culture nonsense, current events and politics on a regular basis. Will provide hugs, snuggles, nuzzles and the lot when employer is craving human touch. Will keep a big fucking distance when they are not. Reading assignments are required on a semi-regular basis.
Causes for Termination of Employment:
* Touching of the employer's feet or the putting of your feet near the employer.
* Uttering any of the following phrases: "I think Arnold is doing a good job." "I think people are too hard on our president." "I really don't like to read."
* Moonlighting with another "company" without employer's knowledge or permission.We are an equal opportunity employer.
References are not required.
Thanks for your interest. |
posted by MsApples @ 7:15:00 AM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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raven, come on, make use of it!
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"...Uh-hh-h...How much did U say the job pays???
"I mean, I worry about minor things like that, you know...
"Like, eversince my last employer went into arrears--or should I say, 'taking IN THE a-rrears'--I have found it a little difficult to trust another Boss...
"Oh, and how about Vacation Time? Do I get to attend those Puerto Rican Sundays off to check out the, er, uh, check out the, um-mm..beautiful People in the most biggest NYC Parade? I mean, I realize this'll be a 24/7-full-mouth, full-time position, and all... Oh, and speaking of positions: Will it be a requirement that I demonstrate flexibility by being able to suck my own dick?!? You know, for those times that you "inadvertently" tell me to go fuck myself because I placed you in a sexual position where I was eating you and simultaneously watching Schwarzenegger's, "True Lies" on TV? Or will you suspend me for a while?! (By suspend, I really refer to, from the ceiling where you can have your way with me, as punishment...)
"OK, now...I don't own any movies by Tarantino but does it help if I told you I know him?! Yes, Quentin and I go way back..to the days of Ms. Sorvino..."
"What's that you say? NO!! You don't give 2 shits about who I know!! Well...OK..."
"Er, one last thing, Lady Boss: When you say, 'keep a big fucking distance', does that mean that I can be in Morocco and still be safe??"
"Well..if this position doesn't work out, is there another 'POSITION' I can perform?! And is there such a thing as a Job Pre-Nup??!!?"
Application Submitted.
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Name: MsApples
Home: Miami, Florida, United States
About Me: 46 year old NYC Cuban Love Goddess, now residing in MIA, divorced, mom to 2 teenagers, overworked & underpaid educator to loving, yet outta control students...I am intelligent, creative, sexy, compassionate, funny, sarcastic, loving, fucked up, romantic, spontaneous, moody at times, confused, confusing, a bit geeky, helpful and helpless at times, a good listener and a good friend.
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raven, come on, make use of it!