7:30 am this morning the phone rings, it's my daddy ... his shaky baritone voice begins singing ...

"happy birsday tu ju, happy birsday tu ju, happy birsday Neyyyyyyda, happy birsday tu ju"

I start to laugh, and tell him "gracias Daddy, your the first one to call, in fact, your a month early". He chuckles a little then becomes all apologetic and asks me if I am sure, its July 8th right? I said "si viejo, my date hasn't changed, but we're still in June".

That got me to thinking about growing older...he's hitting 76, and I will be 46 in exactly a month from today. As I laid in the bed, yes, I am on vacation, I can lay in bed at 7:30 or even at 1:30 if I want to...I began to think of all the things I've accomplished or haven't in my years on this Earth. I started taking stock, an inventory of sorts, of my life. I realized that I am at a happy place, most of the time. I live a balanced life; stresses come and go as much as moments of joy and laughter. I don’t have everything that my heart desires, but that’s okay. Life is cyclical, I will have what’s mine in due time. There’s time for everything under the sun as they say, or is there?

I must admit one fear that I have, one of my major concerns in life is that I will grow old alone. I am the mother of two young men…two young men that at some point will fall in love, get married, have children and move away to live their own lives. With that being said, where does that leave me? Alone…I know, you’re probably saying ‘Neyda, your smart, cute you’ll never be alone” uh duh, I am alone now, I feel I’m missing out on a lot...

I miss companionship...I miss pillow talks...I miss fussing over the toilet seat being up...I miss hugging a warm body in bed...I miss making two cups of coffee in the morning...I miss arguing over the remote...I miss holding hands...I miss the smack on the ass while I’m brushing my teeth...I miss pop kissing before leaving for work...I miss spooning...I miss rubbing my feet on his leg...I miss being held...I miss sharing...I miss being told I’m beautiful...I miss being loved...

I’m fed-up, tired of feeling alone when I close my bedroom door at night. I want to feel loved dammit!!

I don't want to feel like the man in "Memories of My Melancholy Whores" I don't want to glide along in life I want to live the zestfulness of it with my companion.

Whoa, this post wasn’t meant to take this route…guess I'm just another woman with issues.

SIGH...

I guess there’s no controlling what’s meant to be said...I'm going to get dressed and head out for a drive...

Besos mi gente…