The Apple Orchard: What Women Don't Want...

The Apple Orchard

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

What Women Don't Want...

Here it is my friends. I'm going to share the secrets about what women REALLY want... or

rather, what we DON'T want. This may astound and shock you. Some people may even suggest that sharing these secrets is a betrayal of my sisters... or perhaps I've finally gone completely bonkers. I don't care. I've talked it over with my vagina and we've decided that this is for the good of all humanity.

I don't speak for ALL chicas. In fact, some may think this list is a whole bunch of bullshit. However, I do pay pretty close attention to my mamis, and this is what they've been saying.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT:

1. The size of your cock. Really! I'm not kidding. We might make jokes about it, but when it comes down to it, we don't want something the size of my forearm trying to bully it's way into our Sweet Tunnel of Love. Big ones hurt, and they're completely unnecessary. Our vaginas are only 4 to 6 inches deep, and our mouths are about the same. Don't believe me? Go ahead! Try sticking something 6 inches long all the way down your throat. At best, most people can only get about 4.5 inches in without losing the ability to breathe. So, unless she has a vagina the size of a mayonnaise jar and a cavernous pie-hole in the middle of her face, your awesome big dick is going to be left out in the cold.

2. Your money, your car, your clothes or your bling. Sure, we want you to be clean, tidy and somewhat organized. We also want you to have enough cash so you're not mooching off us all the time. And, most gals would agree that it would be cool if we didn't have to take the bus when we went on dates. However, the jag isn't going to win our hearts, and a conversation about all your money and toys will get boring pretty damn fast.

3. Player/Bad boys. Okay, admittedly there are women who are messed up enough to want the really evil fuck-heads, but I'm not talking about those gals. Most of us want a nice, decent guy. However, he also needs to be confident and independent. One of the biggest turn-offs is a man who's looking for a mommy. We also don't want someone who's trying too hard to please us. We can tell when you're being insincere. When you try too hard, it looks like you're either pathetic and desperate, or you'll do or say anything to get what you want. Either way it's bad news. This is a situation where you don't want to seem the least bit manipulative.

4. A super-hot-movie-star-looking guy. Looks don't matter that much to most women. Besides, everyone knows that all the super-hot-movie-star-looking guys are gay. We're more interested in how you make us feel. Your attitude and personality are going to take you much further than your The Rock good-looks.

5. How friggin smart you are. If I had a nickel for every guy who told me he had a genius IQ, I'd be the one driving a Jag. Either I'm a beacon of MENSA, or somebody's exaggerating a little bit. IQ is based on a Bell Curve. That means most of us fall in the big bump in the middle rather than the skinny bits on the ends. Stop spending all your time trying to impress us. Shut up and listen. We like it when you listen.

6. How great you are at cunnilingus and other sex acts. Are you shocked that I would say this? It's true. We don't want to hear about it. We're more likely to be attracted to you if you're interesting. You'll be interesting if you're interested in us. Don't worry. If you don't screw it up, you'll get your chance. Once we feel attracted to you, you can SHOW us all your amazing skills.

Clearly, this is not an exhaustive list. However, I'm pretty sure I nailed the biggies. I'd love to offer more, but I had my mammogram this morning and my boobies hurt. Despite the pain inflicted by the plexi-glass "Vice of Death", it was an interesting experience. Who knew that when my average sized breasts are flattened to a thickness of 2 centimeters, they look remarkably huge?

posted by MsApples @ 6:08:00 PM

1 Comments:

At 10:49 PM, Anonymous said…

Ovational.

Radioactive.

Galactic.

A la king.

Sacrilegious.

Mama-ku, Mama-Sa, Mama-Mama-kosa...

....smile.

XOXOXOXO...