A sense of impending doom, hope and chance stared me in the face while sitting in the medical centers’ waiting room. I gazed into each of the women's faces. They sat there waiting for their name to be called. Each face had a story; each expression was different from the rest. One woman was in tears; another held her rosary and said her prayers…the couple sitting next to me held hands. They had to have been in their late 60’s or 70’s. He consoled her and gave her a kiss on her hand, what a tender moment that was…

I sat there and silently prayed. I was nursing a cup of hot black coffee, trying to hold back my tears. My sister was an emotional mess, this time the biopsy results would be closely attended to and would be rushed for analysis by the pathology department.

She’s been in there for more than an hour. Within that hours time, my daddy, my older sis, Antonio & Andre called. They wanted to know whether she was out yet…I didn’t have anything new to tell them…so I hung up, meditated, and downed over 6 cups of coffee…all different varieties, hazelnut, vanilla, espresso, and cappuccino. At one point, I just closed my eyes and I called upon the love and mercy of God…I asked Him to restore my faith…and make Mayra well.

We left today with high hopes that ALL will be fine. The doctor and nurse that were with her gave her hope that the nodules/masses/cysts were too circular and much too defined to be cancer…BUT with our family history, one can’t ever be too sure.

*SIGH*

I am coming off my caffeine high…I am feeling lethargic...

Besos mi gente…

7:30 am this morning the phone rings, it's my daddy ... his shaky baritone voice begins singing ...

"happy birsday tu ju, happy birsday tu ju, happy birsday Neyyyyyyda, happy birsday tu ju"

I start to laugh, and tell him "gracias Daddy, your the first one to call, in fact, your a month early". He chuckles a little then becomes all apologetic and asks me if I am sure, its July 8th right? I said "si viejo, my date hasn't changed, but we're still in June".

That got me to thinking about growing older...he's hitting 76, and I will be 46 in exactly a month from today. As I laid in the bed, yes, I am on vacation, I can lay in bed at 7:30 or even at 1:30 if I want to...I began to think of all the things I've accomplished or haven't in my years on this Earth. I started taking stock, an inventory of sorts, of my life. I realized that I am at a happy place, most of the time. I live a balanced life; stresses come and go as much as moments of joy and laughter. I don’t have everything that my heart desires, but that’s okay. Life is cyclical, I will have what’s mine in due time. There’s time for everything under the sun as they say, or is there?

I must admit one fear that I have, one of my major concerns in life is that I will grow old alone. I am the mother of two young men…two young men that at some point will fall in love, get married, have children and move away to live their own lives. With that being said, where does that leave me? Alone…I know, you’re probably saying ‘Neyda, your smart, cute you’ll never be alone” uh duh, I am alone now, I feel I’m missing out on a lot...

I miss companionship...I miss pillow talks...I miss fussing over the toilet seat being up...I miss hugging a warm body in bed...I miss making two cups of coffee in the morning...I miss arguing over the remote...I miss holding hands...I miss the smack on the ass while I’m brushing my teeth...I miss pop kissing before leaving for work...I miss spooning...I miss rubbing my feet on his leg...I miss being held...I miss sharing...I miss being told I’m beautiful...I miss being loved...

I’m fed-up, tired of feeling alone when I close my bedroom door at night. I want to feel loved dammit!!

I don't want to feel like the man in "Memories of My Melancholy Whores" I don't want to glide along in life I want to live the zestfulness of it with my companion.

Whoa, this post wasn’t meant to take this route…guess I'm just another woman with issues.

SIGH...

I guess there’s no controlling what’s meant to be said...I'm going to get dressed and head out for a drive...

Besos mi gente…